I know it’s a lil late, considering I’m closer to 50 than 15.
And I know Drake warned against this some time ago.
So fully aware of how strange this request sounds.
But I’m gonna go out on a limb here anyway and say.
I need some new friends.
Nothing against my old friends. (Hello to the both of you).
I just need a specific type of pal at this stage in my life.
Quite simply, one that is eager to invent.
“Innovative group of mates” is how it’s listed on my 2018 goal list to be exact. Someone who is just the right amount of wacky and working towards something. A person who, like myself, has found it difficult to execute all the ideas imagined without having a buddy to bounce off. A person who knows the importance of creative companionship and is also in search of someone to build with. Now that I’m thinking about it, someone who doesn’t use the term, “build with” would also be great.
Because I truly believe that the only thing that stands in between me and artistic success is the people I have yet to meet. And sure, those that don’t use excuses to guide their life like I do, will argue against this, saying that “the secret to my success lies within me and me alone” but blah, blah, blah, I call bullshit. The secret to my success lies in finding a fun science lab partner. You know the one where the two of you would giggle through your work — each doing equal parts and then presenting your projects to the class, all before giggling your way back to your seats confident that together, the two of you received an A?
Well, in this case, we’re not in high school. We’re in adults. And fuck science, we’re working on the internet. Our projects? Any forward thinking dance, skit, shirt, prolific or non-prolific thought we can come up with – All before returning back to our seats which in this case is our separate family homes, receiving A’s in the form of money, professional advancement, and creative fulfillment.
So. Where do you find creative counterparts these days? Someone told me I have to go to this place called outside but nah. I’m good. Others have suggested social media but how can you choose homies based on highlight reels? So until then, I’m doing it the old-fashioned way. Keeping it simple & safe by putting an ad out on Craigslist. Murderers need not apply. Shroom eaters right this way.
- Must love dogs. — Not required. I just feel like every classified ad begins like this
- Must be bilingual — Switching back and forth between fluent sarcasm to idealism mid-convo
- Must be a mom — For no other reason than moms are far less sensitive about canceled plans
- Must give good pep talks — Bonus if shoulder muscles are strong enough to support my large head
- Must hype me up when twerking — I need this. Everyone needs this
- Must have a story to tell — Anything that begins with “I left home at 16, been working since 12 or my life ain’t been no crystal staircase” should be fine
- Must take good pictures — Provide proof by replying with social media handles. A plus if you don’t mind looking awkward and narcissistic in public. Extra plus if you’re on Tumblr
- Must be an artist — No preference in this area. Just be able to make some shit. Balloon artists, don’t be shy
- Must have a broad knowledge of actors name — Sorry. Gonna have to get rigid on this one as I have found it difficult in the past to hold conversations with people who don’t know Kate Winslet or Steve Buscemi
- Must have connections — Not sure if this ad gives it away but I’m not good at networking. Need help
- Must know current events happening within the last 24–48 hrs — Will consider applications of those interested in daily impassioned briefs
- Must despise talking on the phone — You agree that the sound of a ringing phone sends you into a tizzy and therefore consent to the exchange of ideas through text, email, and Instagram DMs all without ever hearing one’s voice unless it’s to say, “Where you at?”, when walking into a crowded coffeehouse once a week
- Must be bold — Please note. I cannot fight so keeping public confrontations to a minimum, benefits us both
- Must be funnier than me — I can’t make myself laugh, ya know? I mean, I can but I just get tired sometimes and need someone else to take over
- Must watch TV — Teen Mom, Meet the Press, Game of Thrones, Real Housewives of NY, Orange County and Atlanta. Must watch actual show Atlanta, Walking Dead, The Daily Show and Desus & Mero among others
Benefits Package Includes:
On-call caption creator
Ratchet music ambassador
Superb storyteller, when and when not stoned
Dutiful documentarian specializing in candid-lookin, uncandid photography
Persuasive writer, known for using scriptwriting skills to lower charges for a few felon friends so yeah,
let’s build .