Hello. May I Speak with Money.

What the fuck is your problem dude?

I’m tryna have a relationship wit yo ol flaky ass but you’re here one minute and gone the next.

C’mon man! I lay some of my best affirmations on you! And whadda you do? Act like you’on here me talkin’ to you.

And when you do come around, you sit up here and burn a whole hole in my pocket. Talkin bout, you can’t just sit here – you wanna go to a sit down restaurant.

And so I’m like, cool.

So we go to Fleure de la Fleure at your “I’ll have the duck breast” request. We have a few glasses of wine, nice conversation, the waiter brings the bill and BAM just like that, you’re gone. — disappeared until next pay day. I can’t even leave a tip because I thought I had more of you, than I did.


It ain’t fair money. It jus’ ain’t right Bill. How come other people can have you and I can’t?

You know what? I’m not even sure why I want you anyway; all dem hands that’s done touched you.

(rolls eyes+deep breath)

But the truth of the matter is I wanna go on trips. I want new shoes. I needs my hair done too money!

Ugh. I wanna go off on you so bad. I wanna leave yo ass but you make thangs so hard bruh!

Like last month, I was like, “You know what? Fuck this. I don’t need this negativity in my life. Take all your crumpled edges, stone cold side eyes and get the hell outta my life!”

Den like clockwork, I got hungry. Target had a sale. The rent was due.

I realized then that there was no getting away from you. I had to make amends.

So I begrudgingly called you back, taking into consideration the countless times you and our lationship expert Suze Orman asked me to get clear on our bond. I needed to be fuh real about what you meant to me.

And I’ve come to the conclusion that…

I can’t live without you!


I love you so much man! And I’m willing to “work” to not just get you back but convince you to stay by my side forever!

Lemme get to know you better baby. Do you like long walks in the stocks? Is your favorite color still green? Can ya flip? (How many times)? But more importantly, if I invest in you, can we grow? Togetha?

Please say yes. Yes to our renewed journey together. I know a better us is just around the ATM. And when you get here, don’t gimme the good love in spurts, nigga I want it all — pressed down, shaken together and running over!

Huh? What you say? What’s a cherry tree have to do with this? Oh you mean, char-i-ty? Ok yea. Pinky swear. If feeding bloated children with yellow-tinted, Michael Jordan eyes will keep you roun’, so be it! Done! Callin’ them niggas now…

In the meantime. Baby, I love you and I love the freedom you provide. But I’m tied of worryin bout youStayin up at night, staring at the ceiling wondering where you could be and if you’re on the gram flexin wit other niggas.

I can’t take that. it’ll send me into a depression. This ain’t no way to live — without you.

(licks lips + seductive suga daddy voice)

I wanna secure you for a lifetime ‘dough’. I want you to be in my kids life. And my kids, kids life. That’s how important you are to me baby.  So c’mon. Let’s do like the millennials say and “less build”.

Sincerely your fiance,

Destiny $.




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